I honestly liked the candor. It has become a major factor for many women, especially those who’ve ended up in ideologically split households, on both sides.
I felt like all those who took part, answered in a manner that wasn't trying to cater to the survey, but truly spoke from their hearts and perspectives.
BTW, thank you for digging in and taking the time to read it. Talie.
It was painfully long, but in good conscience, I couldn’t cut anything out.
Thank you for taking the time to pull all of this together and share it. As I read the women’s answers I feel the beautiful and aching thread that connects us women- it’s really beautiful. I could have been reading many of my own answers. For the men who choose to receive this deeply, there is a lot of gold in here.
It was truly my pleasure, and you are absolutely correct, there is mountains of gold in those shared and echoing thoughts and voices.
I think those amazing women that participated, represented all of you well and shared so deeply and openly, that it couldn't help but tap into that river of feminine divinity, that connects all of you.
I'm glad you saw the spirit and intent, I hoped it would convey.
Also, thanks for taking the time to read through its length.
(2) To be held. Where is the chaos originating from, that needs to be “contained”? Was any insight given on this? In the phrase “you don’t have to carry this alone”, what does “this” refer to?
First off thanks for reading that - I know it was long, so it's much appreciated.
This is a great question as it touches on a few elements, men usually never try and parse, but just chalk it up to - she's crazy or psycho.
The chaos is not a specific "one thing" and is not as a pejorative here. It is the mixture of emotion, thoughts, legacy perspective and experiences in the moment or over a protracted period of time. The other thing to understand is that while most men, naturally work off a model compartmentalization to cope with issues and problems, women usually, and naturally do not. For them it is all connected. This often looks like chaos not only to us, but to them as well. However, it is designed purposely to be that way, for the unique beings they are. That is to say, it's in their wiring, so it's not a flaw, glitch, or simple matter of ripping out the faulty wiring and putting in new.
Now there are cases of true mental illness and personality disorders (cluster B is being talked about more and more), but that is true of both men and women.
Also, the chaos doesn't have to be earth shattering or devastating. I read one mothers description of trying to drop her child off at school, having her hands literally full, other kids in tow and none of them wanting to cooperate - I'd say sounded like herding cats while trying to balance a 20' tall jello mold. This was smaller chaos in the moment, but just as impacting. And to illustrate that, she said that when a teacher (woman) suggested she just pull to the curb and she'd watch the kids in the car, while the mom took her other child into the school, she sat and cried, from the relief of being seen, understood and held in that moment.
The takeaways - women are vastly different than men in how they approach the world - and that's ok, because it's how they were made. The small things can be just as chaotic as the large things. And her release didn't come from the fix in that scenario, but from the recognition of what she was personally going through, at the time and every morning before then.
Back to the survey - The same participant gave another very insightful explanation of "to be held' - which for her translated to "you don't have to carry this alone".
Go back and read the answer in Question 14, that starts with this:
"In my best relationship, the one that left fingerprints on the architecture of who I became..."
This is a great answer to your questions about "being held" and "chaos"
Last thought - I once heard a great description of this concept from another woman here (paraphrased):
"It is like the man is a granite cliff wall, massive, solid and steadfast and the woman is the roaring sea, churning and crashing against him. She needs him to be that wall because it provides a safe boundary and containment. He allows her to safely let go inside herself and explore the chaos, in order to return to a calm state." His containment here is not control, but an unwavering presence. It says, "you don't have to carry this alone".
I hope that answers your question.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and interact!
Well - we’d all like somebody to take charge and make everything okay. I certainly feel that way when I enter an aeroplane or an operating theatre!
It’s true that women are the experts on what it feels like to be a woman. Similarly men are the experts on what it feels like to be a man. If men and women could share their inner life (which sadly they can’t) it might be that a lot of what they think they feel “because they are a woman” or “because they are a man” is actually “because they are a human being”.
Who did he vote for?!!! Omg. 🤦🏻♀️
I honestly liked the candor. It has become a major factor for many women, especially those who’ve ended up in ideologically split households, on both sides.
I felt like all those who took part, answered in a manner that wasn't trying to cater to the survey, but truly spoke from their hearts and perspectives.
BTW, thank you for digging in and taking the time to read it. Talie.
It was painfully long, but in good conscience, I couldn’t cut anything out.
You’re a champion for committing to the research! Bless it and you
Wow. What a gift. Thank you to the women who contributed such honest and deeply felt responses.
And thanks to the author. Perhaps print this as a zine and distribute it widely?
I had the same feeling, when it was done. Most all of that was common knowledge or societal norms 100 years ago.
We've lost much wisdom, and especially understanding of one another.
However, there are many doing the work to turn that around.
I appreciate you adding your voice to that effort.
Thank you for taking the time to pull all of this together and share it. As I read the women’s answers I feel the beautiful and aching thread that connects us women- it’s really beautiful. I could have been reading many of my own answers. For the men who choose to receive this deeply, there is a lot of gold in here.
It was truly my pleasure, and you are absolutely correct, there is mountains of gold in those shared and echoing thoughts and voices.
I think those amazing women that participated, represented all of you well and shared so deeply and openly, that it couldn't help but tap into that river of feminine divinity, that connects all of you.
I'm glad you saw the spirit and intent, I hoped it would convey.
Also, thanks for taking the time to read through its length.
(2) To be held. Where is the chaos originating from, that needs to be “contained”? Was any insight given on this? In the phrase “you don’t have to carry this alone”, what does “this” refer to?
Hi Nine O' Clock,
First off thanks for reading that - I know it was long, so it's much appreciated.
This is a great question as it touches on a few elements, men usually never try and parse, but just chalk it up to - she's crazy or psycho.
The chaos is not a specific "one thing" and is not as a pejorative here. It is the mixture of emotion, thoughts, legacy perspective and experiences in the moment or over a protracted period of time. The other thing to understand is that while most men, naturally work off a model compartmentalization to cope with issues and problems, women usually, and naturally do not. For them it is all connected. This often looks like chaos not only to us, but to them as well. However, it is designed purposely to be that way, for the unique beings they are. That is to say, it's in their wiring, so it's not a flaw, glitch, or simple matter of ripping out the faulty wiring and putting in new.
Now there are cases of true mental illness and personality disorders (cluster B is being talked about more and more), but that is true of both men and women.
Also, the chaos doesn't have to be earth shattering or devastating. I read one mothers description of trying to drop her child off at school, having her hands literally full, other kids in tow and none of them wanting to cooperate - I'd say sounded like herding cats while trying to balance a 20' tall jello mold. This was smaller chaos in the moment, but just as impacting. And to illustrate that, she said that when a teacher (woman) suggested she just pull to the curb and she'd watch the kids in the car, while the mom took her other child into the school, she sat and cried, from the relief of being seen, understood and held in that moment.
The takeaways - women are vastly different than men in how they approach the world - and that's ok, because it's how they were made. The small things can be just as chaotic as the large things. And her release didn't come from the fix in that scenario, but from the recognition of what she was personally going through, at the time and every morning before then.
Back to the survey - The same participant gave another very insightful explanation of "to be held' - which for her translated to "you don't have to carry this alone".
Go back and read the answer in Question 14, that starts with this:
"In my best relationship, the one that left fingerprints on the architecture of who I became..."
This is a great answer to your questions about "being held" and "chaos"
Last thought - I once heard a great description of this concept from another woman here (paraphrased):
"It is like the man is a granite cliff wall, massive, solid and steadfast and the woman is the roaring sea, churning and crashing against him. She needs him to be that wall because it provides a safe boundary and containment. He allows her to safely let go inside herself and explore the chaos, in order to return to a calm state." His containment here is not control, but an unwavering presence. It says, "you don't have to carry this alone".
I hope that answers your question.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and interact!
Thank you for the very informative response and for the accompanying additional detail.
My pleasure.
Oh dear! I fear I've missed my opportunity to take part in your survey :/ But I will take time to read your piece. ✨
I closed it after I started following you Janneke, so I’m sorry that I missed getting you inputs.
I have no doubt that there will be another.
My hope is Men who read this, understand just how little they understand and ask for more - but even if they don’t, I’ll give it to them anyway!
You’re on the list, for the next one. 😉
Well - we’d all like somebody to take charge and make everything okay. I certainly feel that way when I enter an aeroplane or an operating theatre!
It’s true that women are the experts on what it feels like to be a woman. Similarly men are the experts on what it feels like to be a man. If men and women could share their inner life (which sadly they can’t) it might be that a lot of what they think they feel “because they are a woman” or “because they are a man” is actually “because they are a human being”.